Pizza Delivery, Anyone?

The following anonymous email is making the rounds (It's in FT Alphaville).

“We are Wall Street. It’s our job to make money. Whether it’s a commodity, stock, bond, or some hypothetical piece of fake paper, it doesn’t matter. We would trade baseball cards if it were profitable. I didn’t hear America complaining when the market was roaring to 14,000 and everyone’s 401k doubled every 3 years. Just like gambling, its not a problem until you lose. I’ve never heard of anyone going to Gamblers Anonymous because they won too much in Vegas.

Well now the market crapped out, and even though it has come back somewhat, the government and the average Joes are still looking for a scapegoat. God knows there has to be one for everything. Well, here we are.

Go ahead and continue to take us down, but you’re only going to hurt yourselves. What’s going to happen when we can’t find jobs on the Street anymore? Guess what: We’re going to take yours. We get up at 5am & work till 10pm or later. We’re used to not getting up to pee when we have a position. We don’t take an hour or more for a lunch break. We don’t demand a union. We don’t retire at 50 with a pension. We eat what we kill, and when the only thing left to eat is on your dinner plates, we’ll eat that.

For years teachers and other unionized labor have had us fooled. We were too busy working to notice. Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping? We’re going to take your cushy jobs with tenure and 4 months off a year and whine just like you that we are so-o-o-o underpaid for building the youth of America. Say goodbye to your overtime and double time and a half. I’ll be hitting grounders to the high school baseball team for $5k extra a summer, thank you very much.

So now that we’re going to be making $85k a year without upside, Joe Mainstreet is going to have his revenge, right? Wrong! Guess what: we’re going to stop buying the new 80k car, we aren’t going to leave the 35 percent tip at our business dinners anymore. No more free rides on our backs. We’re going to landscape our own back yards, wash our cars with a garden hose in our driveways. Our money was your money. You spent it. When our money dries up, so does yours.

The difference is, you lived off of it, we rejoiced in it. The Obama administration and the Democratic National Committee might get their way and knock us off the top of the pyramid, but it’s really going to hurt like hell for them when our fat a**es land directly on the middle class of America and knock them to the bottom.

We aren’t dinosaurs. We are smarter and more vicious than that, and we are going to survive. The question is, now that Obama & his administration are making Joe Mainstreet our food supply…will he? and will they?”

Whoever wrote this truly believes that the years he/she spent trading sardines in front of a bank of flat screens has prepared him/her for the real economy.  What's more, he thinks he/she is "smarter and more vicious".. Well, I'll definitely grant him/her "more assinine" - but, "smarter"?

Yo, dude.. wake up.  Do you really think anyone will hire you to teach third graders?  With an attitude like that? I can just picture you strutting into the primary education office in Smallville, smirking like a Master Of The Universe.  Your oh-I'm-so-understated Barneys chinos alone will scream "I've been eating your lunch" to the lady behind the desk, who could only afford chinese crap from WalMart since god knows when.   Let me put it another way: do you want someone like you teaching your kids?  Oh boy, are you in for a real world comedown.

What you haven't figured out yet is that you are the roadkill here, that you are confusing brains with a bull market.  Maybe you can get a job delivering pizza, but I seriously doubt it.  You probably don't have enough pimples and your teeth are definitely way too straight and white.  Maybe you should have saved the good-times money,  instead of throwing it to the skin specialist and the orthodontist, eh?  Now, that would have been a heck of a lot smarter.   And you wouldn't ever have to ponder hitting grounders for summertime peanuts.

OK, one last thing, since you mentioned dinosaurs.

It's the Jurassic, it's been raining a lot and there is a sh*t-load of yummy giant ferns around.  So, you've been feasting and gorging, ultimately becoming a huge plant-eating brontosaurus.  And then, this Big-Ass Mama From The Sky slams into Earth and turns your world into the Gulf of Mexico.  You survive, but the dust cloud is killing most of your food.

And what do you decide to do? Size-down and search for smaller ferns someplace else. Bad decision, there are way too many of you and too few ferns.  That makes you a loser, lizard, and you said so yourself.  Because true winners fight like hell to always stay at the top of the food-chain pyramid.  Like, adapt and  turn carnivore - velociraptor? 

Dude, you're my very own walking bronto-burger. Yum.